My Last Fight

 It is been a while, a long while since I started pestering people around. Knowingly and unknowingly this has been happening for past 37 years and tomorrow it is will 38 years complete. I was thinking about the world I am living in. How volatile it is. 3 months back I was more in a consistent working environment. Things have gone wrong in a really little time. Well, I am not really bothered about the inconsistensies that was brought in for me  by these turn of events, but I am bothered about my achievements at this phase of life. In another year, I will exit thirties club and enter into forties and my list on what I have achieved so far  that I am proud of, remains empty.Apart from seeking sympathy from the near ones, I have utilized my anxiety as a reason for being lazy. I have stopped myself from taking risk quoting the commitments to my family.

One day I was driving my bike and saw an old man, probably a worker, who was walking through the path way. I was thinking, what change would have he made to this world? Nothing! He just work hard through the days, some random chores to earn his daily bread. How pathetic would be that life? But in an seconds, thoughts blowed me back with millions of questions. He is an indispensible piece of this world. May be he build a wall or do some carpentry or may be he does nothing but sit on a place and beg. That person literally questioned my belief on people and reinforced that everyone has a role to play in the way this world functions. 

They kept repeating that it is normal for me to think so wild on silly instances and I know what is normal for others is abnormal for me. Even then I am not sure what change I have brought in? I am not a fan of Robin Sharma but I like the title of his book, "who will cry when you die?". Like any other parent, I feel lucky in having two wonderful kids and ofcourse they are my most valuable possessions. All I dream is,  when both of them look back at their father's life, they should say that they are proud about their father. Also if few others say that he influenced our lives, that is when I feel accomplished. For past 17 years I was in that run only to complain my inability to cope with stress and bad temper. I have still not reached anywhere atleast to claim that I reached my first step. 

Fact is that I am tired of reading motivational dialogues and self help books. Unfortunately they no longer support my dreams. Once upon a time, it atleast created a fake aura of fullfillness but now, I know more than those writers. I understand that the practical challenge in implementing those meaningless advices. It is more difficult than have myself corrected by self affirmations. I think it is time to settle down on my dreams instead of fighting with it. Time to cry about the insecurities of middle class individuals, time to not to achieve anything which you once thought as dreams. While talking about insecurities, even today I feel that the nuts are meant to be brought from gulf and only rich can afford to buy it here. Always I look at the package, the price and leave it back at the aisle. In the meanwhile, I had absolutely no worries in spending 1.05 Lakhs for a brandnew phone. I keep diverting from the subject while I write. It may be about self doubts or the drama about emotional wellbeing. Before settling on my goals, I still have one year more and two years in another calculation. I am going to fight my last war and I am sure that you will see the outcome, whether I succeeded or failed.